Sharing another guest post this week from a colleague who has done her research and writes beautifully about the issue of “loneliness.” While this topic is not isolated to the retirement years, but sadly widespread in our society in general, it is particularly relevant to those of us who are moving into years where tendancies are to be less active, less in contact with others, and sometimes on our own as our families move away.
While reading this morning in the book Living Fearless by Jamie Winship I came across some words that reflect God’s desire for His people: “God doesn’t make loners. He creates us with the capacity for connection in communities. That’s what he does. Communities are strong and powerful, and they’re built on love relationships. In genuine community, everyone in their true and unique identity belongs.”
Thanks so much to Loré Cooper for sharing this post with all of us.
LONELINESS
Loré Cooper
We have all felt it. Scrolling social media we see smiling faces, celebrations, and vacations that do not include us. We are talking to a friend and realize we have been left out of a gathering or we simply were not at the right place at the right time.
A you.gov study found that about one in five U.S. millennials report not having even one friend.[1] Three in five U.S. adults report being lonely.[2] The Covid 19 pandemic made matters worse. Not only were we excluded, we were secluded. Loneliness is not simply a mental health crisis but a crisis to our overall health. Holt-Lunstad, a psychology professor at Brigham Young University, has researched the connection between poor social support and morbidity. Coronary heart disease, decreased immune functioning, cardiovascular issues, cognitive decline are all risk factors.[3]
Loneliness is defined as “the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.”[4] By this definition a person can feel lonely even in a room full of people. No doubt social media and our reliance on virtual meetings, remote work, and online classes have contributed to how we got here. But is there an antidote?
For the Christian, the New Testament provides an answer for loneliness: Love came down and redefined who we are. In Jesus we have a new identity, a new belonging. In love He has adopted those He has rescued out of darkness.[5] We are no longer strangers subjected to loneliness but members of the household of God.[6] Those who have been far off are now members and partakers of the promise of Christ Jesus through the Gospel.
What does this look like? To belong in God’s family is to have humility, gentleness with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain unity (Ephesians 4:2 and 3) – in short, kindness. Kindness is defined as “having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature, and as encompassing gentleness, respect, amiability, and concern”.[7] Practicing kindness can actually “decrease blood pressure and the body level of cortisol, which is a hormone triggered by stress”[8] thus decreasing our feelings of loneliness. Simply put, practicing kindness and receiving kindness helps people live happier, healthier, and less lonely lives.
The central idea is that kindness creates positive (supportive and meaningful) social connections, which, in turn, reduce the response to stressors as well as fulfill basic, innate needs that are critical to health and longevity.[9] Along the spectrum from loneliness to social connection is a decreasing risk of mortality observed in multiple studies.[10]Another study reveals that even seeing kindness and caring activates the neuropsychology of kindness, elevating the viewer and promoting generosity, interpersonal connection, and inclusion.[11]
Further studies have also shown that showing kindness has reciprocal benefits, meaning those who show kindness feel less lonely as well.[12] Dr. Sonja Lubomirsky, together with other researchers, asked 159 participants to perform prosocial behaviors such as acts of kindness to see the effects of social interactions on cells associated with loneliness. The study found that in those who performed the acts of kindness they themselves experienced lower levels of loneliness and a decreased myeloid response (myeloid cells are produced in the bone marrow and play a role in immunity and cancer). Doing acts of kindness changed their cells and decreased inflammation.[13]
Kindness is more than an action, it is a state of being. Again we are encouraged to look at the example we find in the New Testament. Jesus Christ is known as the most kind individual of all time. So kind in fact that He laid down His life, He ate with the rough crowd, included the foreigner in His conversations, healed the sick, fed the hungry. Love comes from God Himself. He is Love. “For love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love” (I John 4:7-9). It is Who He is.
For each one of us to truly demonstrate kindness, we need a new heart and to be rooted in the One who is Love. In the book of Colossians Paul instructs us to be rooted and built up in Christ (2:7) putting on the new self, which is renewed after the image of its creator – having compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, forgiving each other (3:10 -12). Just as in the natural world whatever we are rooted in will grow fruit from that source. A rooted rose plant blooms roses. A planted bean seed produces beans. Those who are rooted in Christ will bear Christlikeness – “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).
As we become more kind and share our kindness, it seems clear that the world will be a less lonely place and a healthier place. In fact, it will be a place more conducive for life, love, and happiness. Perhaps this is the secret the world has been looking for as it has been running headlong into early death by suicide, depression, heart desease, and loneliness. Let’s love as Christ and just as He came into our world, let us go out into our world and actively be kind to all those around us.
[1]https://today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2019/07/30/loneliness-friendship-new-friends-poll-survey
[2]https://www.cigna.com/static/www-cigna-com/docs/about-us/newsroom/studies-and-reports/combatting-loneliness/cigna-2020-loneliness-report.pdf
[3] https://www.apa.org/members/content/holt-lunstad-loneliness-social-connections
[4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness
[5] Ephesians 1:5; I Peter 2:10
[6] Ephesians 2:19
[7] https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/kindness.html
[8]Fryburg, David A. 2022. Kindness as a Stress Reduction-Health Promotion Intervention: A Review of the Psychobiology of Caring.” Am J Lifestyle Med. 16:89-100.
[9] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8848115/
[10] . Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Baker M, Harris T, Stephenson D. Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspect Psychol Sci. 2015;10:227-237. doi: 10.1177/1745691614568352
[11] Oliver, Mary Beth, et al. “Media‐induced elevation as a means of enhancing feelings of intergroup connectedness.” Journal of Social Issues 71.1 (2015): 106-122.
[12]https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/kindness-could-be-key-to-preventing-loneliness-but-not-in-the-way-you-think_uk_5e170b49c5b61f701949e9a1/
[13] http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/files/2012/09/Nelson-Coffey-Fritz-Lyubomirsky-Cole-2017.pdf
Don't Waste Your Retirement 